So why does the care-giver feel lonely, left to her own limited strength to cope with her loved-one's needs? There could be hundreds of reasons but I think there are two main road blocks to a lack of empathy and support for care-givers in U.S. communities.
First, I think a majority of care-givers are women who for various reasons have a difficult time asking for help. They are strong, loyal, and determined yet are probably not open and honest about their own limits. Do they ask for help? Do they expect help from their siblings and do they refuse to take no for an answer? The answer for most is no. Do these women feel ashamed of their own personal weaknesses when it comes to their parents? Do they most likely feel like they owe it to their parents to take care of everything? I think so. If you are a strong woman you might feel you are weak or failing in some way to admit you need help. It's ok to admit that your parents' needs are overwhelming. Really, when we look at women in general there is a certain expectation that in matters of the family they should have it all together and be able to care for the demands of home and family easily. Whether you are a mother of small children, have kids in college or are caring for aging parents there is a lot of assumption that you should be able to handle the needs of your family.
Asking for help is the first step but after that you pretty much need to find help and figure out how the heck to pay for it. As a care-giver you can't expect extended family to just volunteer. As I write this I feel a certain amount of guilt. I feel a little bit like a hypocrite. Right now my only living grandparent is in need of more hands on care. But I don't want to bathe her or feel responsible for her. I have small children to care for, to get up in the night for, to teach. So I don't want to take care of Grandma. I'm already care-giving 24/7. I have to figure this out. Yes, if push comes to shove I will help; I have helped. But these days especially I don't have unlimited flexibility. Gradually, I am coming to terms with where I stand as far as my own willingness to be available. I know I should do something but to what degree? I've been there before with my grandma who had Alzheimer's and I don't want to be expected to help. I don't want to feel responsible. When I was living at home with my parents and grandma we were all responsible because we were all there. And mom needed us. She needs us now but now I am an adult and a parent and a spouse. There are other people who need me too. Soon we will be talking more about this with my parents and one thing I have come to understand for me personally: asking for help is very different from expecting help.
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