The idea of support has many sides and the more I think about it the more I come to realize that it's pretty much a catch twenty-two. You want support and need support for whatever it is you're doing but in the end YOU are the one who has to do it regardless of all the support in the world or no support at all. You are still going to have to cross the finish line after a grueling half-marathon in high temperatures and humidity. You are still going to have to have to push that baby out when the time comes. You are still going to have to get in the driver's seat and parallel park the car to get your license. You are still going to be the one caring for your loved one with Alzheimer's after a night out. You need support to keep going. But the burden is still there. Maybe it was lighter for a while, maybe you even forgot it was there at all for a day but eventually the reality of that hard thing will come back. So does support even matter? Most of us are independent enough to consider that it's not even worth it, that we've got the situation under control and who needs that extra hassle of more people in our business. But what we fail to remember in those moments is that it's a marathon not a sprint. We need the water breaks, we need people cheering, we need coaches, we need somebody, anybody, to acknowledge that for goodness sake we are doing this every single day and it's hard and only getting harder.
When we were caring for Grandma I wanted people to empathize with our situation enough to offer to help. It would have been a huge blessing if our extended family members had come to stay for a week at a time so my parents could have gone on trips or out on day trips at least to get a much deserved and needed break. But that catch twenty-two would've come into play. My mom would've had to train them in care-giving first and yes, she would've had to give up some control for sure. Initially that would've been a pain in the neck for everyone but the load would have been lightened. Recently on social media a relative posted about celebrating their anniversary. I kind of laughed to myself that I remembered their wedding weekend very clearly. My parents went to the wedding while I stayed home and took care of Grandma with my younger sister. We bonded though that weekend and other times when we were on our own with Grandma. We still laugh about some of the silly memories we made taking care of her needs. Maybe our whole extended family could have bonded through that care-giving not just us. There are two sides of the story always but looking back, the support of more people involved would have eventually paid off.
In order for people to offer support they need to be let in. As a care-giver you have to let people into your life so that they can understand a little bit of what you are going through. You can't always tough it out or put on a facade that everything is going just great all the time. It would've meant the world to my mom to get flowers every so often from concerned friends. Maybe the ladies from church could've come over and stayed with Grandma for a couple of hours each week so Mom had some free time to do whatever she wanted. She would've needed to open up about our life and maybe she wasn't ready to do that. Between my parents and my siblings and I we had it figured out and we were making things work. We were supporting each other and maybe that was good enough.
I always enjoy reading your posts. I do remember some of the stuff that you guys went thru and had to deal with. I remember that you couldn't do things as an entire family unless you could find someone willing and able to stay with your grandma. As I recall, when you and your mother came to do the 24/7 with my brother for those 2 horrible weeks, you also had to put a care plan in place for your grandma while you were here doing even more caregiving. I will always remember and be grateful to you, your mom and your grandma Zimmer.
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