Do you know what the sandwich generation is? It's the slice of the population that is caring for their parents while at the same time still raising their children. This group is sandwiched in between children and aging parents. The number of elderly adults is rising as people live longer. With healthcare costs also rising and average long term care facilities becoming more problematic, families are facing the issue of providing care for the older generation. I experienced this lifestyle as a teenager at home when my grandmother came to live with us. Now, as a grown-up, I am on the cusp of my parents aging and needing more assistance in the coming years, and more of my friends are entering into the stage of caring for family members for the first time.
How are Your Children Affected?
While there are many issues surrounding caring for an elderly family member in your own home, there is one that strikes an especially tender chord. How are your children affected? This is a serious question to ask yet may not even be considered while care-giving adults are consumed by the needs of their parents. Their kids are just along for the ride. This is frankly, not acceptable. No one said being a part of the sandwich generation was easy. As an adult, if you choose to care for a parent in your home or spend a majority of your time taking care of a relative's needs who still lives on their own, it is you who is making that choice not your children. Your children are an extension of you and WILL be affected. It is your job as the grown-up to evaluate and decide what that will look like for your kids.
Make a Plan
Rushing into care-giving is not the best plan for your kids. You might be able to put out a few fires for your parents but in the long run what you need is a plan. What can you do to meet the needs of your kids and your parents at the same time? Making a schedule and sticking to it can be a huge help, possibly even a life-line to preserving your kids' childhood and teenage years. Scheduling time for younger children is essential. They need to know you are still going to care for them even if Grandma is moving in with your family.
Face Reality for Your Kids
The truth of bringing a grandparent with dementia to live with your family is that your children are not going to be happy about it. Your lives are not going to be the same and your children will be very aware of that. You need to face this harsh reality for them and take this burden on yourself. Don't sugar coat things. A quick way to get your kids to resent the situation more is to make it seem like everything is fine and that nothing has really changed. Yes, you want to try to be positive about life. As an adult you understand that for you this is no walk in the park; well it's not a breeze for your kids either. They are giving up space, time alone with just their own family, and energy from Mom who is now spending her energy as care-giver for someone other than them. The stability of peace in their own home has been interrupted (most Alzheimer's patients are not quiet) along with the usual ebb and flow of what has been their home-life. They see the stress, feel the tension between Mom and Dad as they navigate new responsibilities, hear the noise. You have to face the reality of what you are choosing for your family. Your kids are not going to like the changes. It's ok. Be real with your kids and comfort them, schedule time with them, help them to feel ok with not being happy about this new reality for your family.
Adults Only
There is a sort of trend in some groups of society who choose a multi-generational family lifestyle to make children a part of everything that goes on in the home. While this can be a healthy exchange of teaching and learning, when it comes to care-giving there needs to be a clear definition of what are adult responsibilities that children are not a part of. When my grandmother moved in with us we were told she was not our responsibility. However, the way our home operated did not convey that idea. There were not real boundaries. When it came to Grandma, we were all supposed to "help". Looking back, I wish that us kids especially my youngest sister who was only ten at the time would have been allowed to just be kids. I wish we would've been told, "This is not for you to worry about. We are the grown-ups and we are handling Grandma's care." If you don't establish an "adults only" guideline your children are going to be put in the position of providing care in ways that may even fly under your radar as a parent. Do you want your kids putting Grandma back in bed at night, changing her clothes for her, helping her go to the bathroom, checking to make sure her underpants are up once she comes out of the bathroom, or feeding her? Is it appropriate for a ten year old to be exposed to a grown adult's body in the guise of helping at home? How will this affect your children later in life? Do you want a child always feeling responsible for an adult? Maybe your answer is yes. Maybe you want your young children doing all of these things to lighten the load of care-giving in the home. That might help you. Consider carefully how that may affect your child.
Only Part One
This is only part one of this topic. There are a few more thoughts I'd like to explore along these lines of children and the sandwich generation. If you know of anyone in this situation I encourage you to share this blog post with them or initiate a conversation to help them sort out how to handle the delicate issue of protecting and loving their children while caring for their parents.
