Grandma's Alzheimer's was a long process. The end stages lasted approximately eight years. Our whole extended family was confronted with the strange sadness that while Grandma sat in the chair she no longer knew us and the lady she had always been was long gone. For the younger members of our family there was no other grandma than the one with Alzheimer's. My youngest sister never knew her as anyone different than the one with the blank stare behind the eyes who shouted at the bathroom mirror. That's the thing about disease. We have the before disease period of time when life is status quo or normal and later we realize how precious that time was. Then once a disease sets in we have the disease phase of life. In the case of Alzheimer's the disease phase brings a forever change. If Grandma had known what was happening to her, she would probably have told us to hold tightly to the memory of the lady she was before dementia's cruel dark fingers took hold of her.
So who was Grandma? Who was she before Alzheimer's? How has the essence of Grandma lived on in us? She was happy, warm, friendly, and generous. She always seemed to be smiling and in the kitchen either cooking or cleaning up from our large family gatherings on birthdays and holidays. She wore bright red lipstick and always had her short hair fixed nicely and curled under. One of her favorite hobbies was writing; poetry in particular. I always thought I would find a diary of hers tucked away someplace in their house of the days when she was a girl like me. I don't know how, but she was aware that I liked to write and often asked me what I had been writing lately. She always asked what I wanted for my birthday and lists were scattered on the kitchen counter top, her slanted lines of cursive on the backs of letter-sized white envelopes spelling out the wishes of us grandchildren. Once we walked down the street to a small shop that sold toys and she bought me a small doll for a present. Grandma kept several bird feeders outside the dining room window where she could admire the birds while she ate a soft boiled egg for breakfast from a chintz egg cup with a spoon and drank coffee from a tea cup. When we stayed overnight at Grandma and Grandpa's house she made small round pancakes and Grandpa made a blueberry sauce to pour on top. Music was one of Grandma's favorite things. She loved playing the piano. After every concert or recital she attended she kept the program as a special memento of her family's many musical talents. If her children or grandchildren were performing, then she was there in the audience. Grandma loved flowers and enjoyed taking us around her gardens and showing us the latest blooms. My favorites were her bleeding heart plants, pink peonies, and the exotic venus fly trap she had growing by the front porch. She loved jewelry and had various jewelry boxes filled with costume jewelry that was so popular back in the day. Her house was filled with her collections of beauty: carnival glass, shells, rocks, and butterflies. Nature was important to her and deserved admiration. Grandma's faith was solid and the center of her life. She lead in prayer before meals and was active in ladies groups at church.
Grandma's attributes live on in all of her grandchildren. Even her great grandchildren who never met her are like her in so many ways. What do my kids love most? Butterflies, rocks, shells, music, church, birthdays, baking, flowers. She must smile from heaven on all of us, happy to see us doing what she loved so much, keeping alive the loves of her life. How she would marvel at her transplanted peonies blooming in front of my house over eighty years since she first planted her own garden. Her love of music, nature, and family gatherings continues to thrive in everyone of us in our extended family. The memory of Grandma is a powerful one and has triumphed over the changes Alzheimer's brought about in her.
How will my children remember me? I hope that they will think of all the fun times splashing in the lake, laughing around the table after dinner, snuggling on the couch, going out for ice cream, and hearing my voice cheering them on at soccer and races. The future is unpredictable but we can take comfort in the fact that even when horrible diseases like Alzheimer's strike, the amazing power of memory will carry us to live on in those we have loved.
